Other people's words

I turned off the TV, paused the music, and sat down by myself with the intention to write. Unfortunately, I found myself completely distracted. It's extremely difficult to produce original thoughts when other people's words are constantly streaming through your head. Mid-sentence, my train of thought was cut off by a freight train that came barreling through, carrying a few lines from a song that I haven't heard in months.  I tried to ignore it at first and go back to writing, but quickly found myself completely preoccupied by trying to figure out the name of that song and the rest of the lyrics. 

I decided maybe I should stop trying to produce and just enjoy what other people have already created. So I pulled out some books of poetry and started reading.

The following are some of the highlights of the day.

i carry your heart with me by E. E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Sonnet 16 - Elizabeth Barrett Browning

If thou must love me, let it be for nought

Except for love's sake only. Do not say

'I love her for her smile—her look—her way

Of speaking gently,—for a trick of thought

That falls in well with mine, and certes brought

A sense of pleasant ease on such a day'—

For these things in themselves, Beloved, may

Be changed, or change for thee,—and love, so wrought,

May be unwrought so. Neither love me for

Thine own dear pity's wiping my cheeks dry,—

A creature might forget to weep, who bore

Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!

But love me for love's sake, that evermore

Thou mayst love on, through love's eternity.

And finally, two by Emily Dickinson.  

"Hope" is the thing with feathers --

That perches in the soul --

And sings the tune without the words --

And never stops -- at all --

And sweetest -- in the Gale -- is heard --

And sore must be the storm --

That could abash the little Bird

That kept so many warm --

 

I've heard it in the chillest land --

And on the strangest Sea --

Yet, never, in Extremity,

It asked a crumb -- of Me.

If I can stop one Heart from breaking

I shall not live in vain

If I can ease one Life the Aching

Or cool one Pain

 

Or help one fainting Robin

Unto his Nest again

I shall not live in Vain.

Out of the blue

I just returned from one vacation, and am anxiously awaiting the next. The first trip was what I expected - a fun weekend at the beach with family - but it turned out to be that and more. While there I came to the realization that my life has changed, and will continue to change, for the better. 

As I stood in front of a mirror getting ready to head out for the evening, I took a moment to stop and really look at myself. I pulled back from the zoom on one or two strands of unruly hair, the new freckles on my nose, my chapped lips, and took a look at the bigger picture. What I saw is very difficult to explain, but I had the sensation that, for possibly the first time in my life, I was actually seeing myself. And everything just looked right; everything from the clothes I was wearing to the way I had done my hair. It was all as it should be.  I turned to my mom and made the comment "I feel like I'm finally turning into myself." At the time, I was simply referring to my style, my outward appearance. But as the night went on I began to see greater significance and truth in my statement.

I went to a concert on the beach that night with my mom and cousins. Logically, most people were there to see the headlining act - David Cook. I was really more excited to see the opener though - Matt Nathanson. I have loved his music for years and couldn't wait to hear him play. When he came out on stage I stood up and clapped. I laughed at his jokes, danced to the music, and sang every one of his genius lyrics out loud. Typical behavior at a concert, right? Not so much, not for me. I'm usually pretty reserved. My dancing usually only goes as far as bobbing my head to the beat. I stand when everyone else stands, and I sing when my voice is drowned out by all of the other people. This time was different though. All I cared about was the music and what it made me feel. It didn't even matter that out of hundreds of people I was one of only 20 or so singing and dancing. Without trying, I finally was able to forget about my insecurities. I've spent years consciously trying in vain to do just that. I would catch myself worrying, and tell myself not to think about it, just be yourself and don't worry about other people. My best efforts were never quite enough though. Those self-doubts would always creep back in and I'd revert back to my shy, reserved ways. On this day, when I realized that I had finally stopped worrying about being judged, I was most surprised by the fact that it just happened. I wasn't even thinking about it, wasn't trying to force myself out of my comfort zone. I was just acting in the most honest, genuine way possible.

On the way back from the concert, I had another epiphany. 

We were stuck in traffic, moving at snail's pace, so to pass the time I was gazing out the window people-watching. I saw a small group of teenagers walking down the sidewalk and it appeared that they had no concern for the world around them. The group's 'sphere of existence' at that moment extended only as far as the bodies of the on the outside of their cluster. They didn't care about the traffic, or the people walking the other way past them. I saw two of those kids start to dance while they were walking. There was no music. They just wanted to dance. My immediate reaction was a small laugh at the quality of dancing and a large smile for the fun they appeared to be having.  WHO AM I?!   In the past, my immediate reaction would have been completely different. I would have silently judged them, thinking them stupid for dancing poorly without music, foolish and annoying for lacking reserve and discretion.   I recognized this change in my attitude immediately and was elated. I felt lighter, free from the weight of judgement that wasn't mine to pass in the first place. 

When I sat down later and tried to put it all together, I came to a few conclusions. 

I realized that those instances all went hand-in-hand. 

I felt like myself - I was happy with myself - I loved myself. By loving myself, I was no longer judging myself. It wasn't necessary to be so reserved and hide the very essence of who I am from other people.  As a result, I was able to begin loving others. I've always cared deeply about other people, possibly more than myself, but not quite like this.  I looked past the action and saw the person, and I did so involuntarily. 

Proof that I finally am turning into myself, the person I've always wanted to be, and knew I could be. 

So why the change? Why am I all of a sudden so different, so much better, when I spent all those years trying to no avail? 

I know the answer, and this is the best part.

God 

These changes that have taken place have coincided with a shift in thought. I finally let go of all of my doubts, suspicion, leeriness, etc...  everything in my mind that was preventing my heart from following what it desired - an honest, intimate relationship with God. I'm a rational person. I try to make everything in my life logical and rational. I spent a long time feeling like I couldn't fully commit myself to something like religion that seemed so full of impossibilities and hypocrisy. I seriously questioned everything that I had been taught, but I was never able to seriously doubt it all. There was always at least one small part of my brain, the part that is a companion of the heart, that couldn't deny Him.  I know that time I took, the questioning, the whole process  - it was absolutely necessary. I would never be confident believing in something without first questioning the truth of it.  I think that over time, that small part of my brain grew. It allowed my heart to finally have a voice, and let the mind go quiet for awhile. I explored what felt right, not what just seemed right. I reexamined the Christian faith for the first time with both open heart and open mind. In doing so, I have experienced something far greater than I ever thought possible. I feel like one of those people I always thought were crazy, because I didn't understand them. I have made the decision to accept God's unconditional love for me, and use all that's within me to try to give him the love that he deserves in return (knowing that mine will never equal his, but He's ok with that). I have since experienced moments of peace that I never knew existed. I'm more motivated than ever to be incredible, do great things, love with all of my heart, because I know it truly means something. It's more than satisfying earthly desires. It's greater than me. I don't know the grand plan, but I'm sure there is one and I'm so grateful to be a part of it.

I realize that some people will read this and just say What?! What are you talking about, where did this all come from. To the first part, I say that it's something you can't understand until you experience it yourself. The former version of myself would have read those words I just wrote and not gotten anything from them, possibly even dismissed them.  To the second part, where did this all come from, I wonder that myself. To those people who have known me for a long time, it probably seems like all of this is just coming out of the blue. But the thing I'm starting to learn is that the best things in life happen that way.  There are unexpected because they are so much better than we could ever understand and we couldn't possibly have imagined them.