Uninformed

A possible answer to the question that I asked last time: why am I in such a hurry to reach all of the major milestones in my life?

I don't like not knowing.

I need to know.

Whatever 'it' may be...

Essentially, I want to know the outcome of my life..

Of course I know that's not possible, but a big part of my personality is analyzing things to the point that they make less sense than they did in the first place. This does not allow any situations in which it is acceptable for something to be 'up in the air.' In order to analyze something, I have to actually have the information.

I want to buy a house so I can stop wondering where I'm going to live. I want to get married so I can stop wondering what it would be like, and, by living in it, figure out what its all about and how to make it great. Same thing goes for kids. I have to mentally prepare for things... I can't if I don't have all of the information.

In most cases it doesn't matter if it's not exactly what I wanted or wanted to hear. I have this somewhat unique and useful ability to take things in stride. I just NEED to know!

At any other time, my answer would probably be different. The fact that I don't know if I will still have a job next is certainly effecting my feelings towards these other things. If it is in the cards for me to have a year or more off from teaching, then so be it, but just tell me!

On an entirely different note...

I know I'm not alone in this, but when I think about it I get the uneasy sense that there's something not quite right about it.

On most occasions, I experience thoughts and emotional responses separately.

I hear things and I think about them, and that's about it. I might make decisions about whether it's good or bad, or realize that I should be upset, but often don't feel whatever emotion should go with it.

There are other times when nothing out of the ordinary has happened, no apparent triggers, but here comes this rush of emotions. Sometimes they are the easy ones.. like sadness or anger. Doesn't make any sense why I'm angry, but I'm at least familiar with it. Other times, there are strange ones whose names don't exist in my vernacular. If I think about it long enough, I can place when I previously felt that emotion (or when I should have). It's just strange.

Today it was one of those strange ones... I haven't named it yet, but what it is causing is longing, and I don't like it.

Up to speed

First of all, I find it amazing that after more than a year of not posting anything I can come back to this and find that it still exists and everything is exactly the way I left it. Not a strange concept as far as the internet is concerned, but not at all the way real life works.

Since last writing: I graduated from college in December 2009. In May of 2010, after interviewing with only one school district, I received my first offer to be an elementary school teacher (which I gladly accepted). Then in December of 2010, on top of teaching, I took on the role of varsity girls soccer coach at my old high school. Also during that year I vacationed in Arizona, took another three-week long vacation to San Diego, LA, and Las Vegas, visited my brother in Connecticut a few times, watched him marry the love of his life, and wished I were able to help him move to North Carolina. And those are just the highlights. It was an incredibly full year.

My compulsion to write again is a result of the multitude of other compulsions I have been experiencing lately, and my desire to figure out where on earth they are coming from! At this very moment, I would love to get married, have a child, buy a house, and maybe breed my dog so I can have a new puppy. I also want to travel to 100 different places, write a book, and pick up a new hobby working with stained glass.

What am I thinking?!

This exact time last year I had zero motivation. It was a struggle to get out of bed each day. Now, I struggle to keep myself from biting off more than I can chew. Why?????? Where do these desires, this energy and motivation come from?

I could come up with a few different answers, but regardless of what the answer is, it doesn't change my situation.

Often times I feel like I do have two personalities, though not in the clinically psychotic kind of way. I experience the world with one brain, then with what seems to be an entirely different brain I can relive those experiences and analyze every bit of it. In doing that, I amaze and confuse myself. Why, in my first year of teaching and my first season as a coach, would I even consider adding anything else to my plate? In a different train of thought: why would I want to rush through my life to every major milestone? At the age of 23 I'm already a college graduate who is employed full time in a mostly ideal job and is essentially financially stable. I already have what millions of people would kill to.

So why am I not satisfied?

Conversely, why am I upset about not being satisfied? Shouldn't I be happy about this ambition?

These are the questions. Possible answers to come later.