Out of the blue

I just returned from one vacation, and am anxiously awaiting the next. The first trip was what I expected - a fun weekend at the beach with family - but it turned out to be that and more. While there I came to the realization that my life has changed, and will continue to change, for the better. 

As I stood in front of a mirror getting ready to head out for the evening, I took a moment to stop and really look at myself. I pulled back from the zoom on one or two strands of unruly hair, the new freckles on my nose, my chapped lips, and took a look at the bigger picture. What I saw is very difficult to explain, but I had the sensation that, for possibly the first time in my life, I was actually seeing myself. And everything just looked right; everything from the clothes I was wearing to the way I had done my hair. It was all as it should be.  I turned to my mom and made the comment "I feel like I'm finally turning into myself." At the time, I was simply referring to my style, my outward appearance. But as the night went on I began to see greater significance and truth in my statement.

I went to a concert on the beach that night with my mom and cousins. Logically, most people were there to see the headlining act - David Cook. I was really more excited to see the opener though - Matt Nathanson. I have loved his music for years and couldn't wait to hear him play. When he came out on stage I stood up and clapped. I laughed at his jokes, danced to the music, and sang every one of his genius lyrics out loud. Typical behavior at a concert, right? Not so much, not for me. I'm usually pretty reserved. My dancing usually only goes as far as bobbing my head to the beat. I stand when everyone else stands, and I sing when my voice is drowned out by all of the other people. This time was different though. All I cared about was the music and what it made me feel. It didn't even matter that out of hundreds of people I was one of only 20 or so singing and dancing. Without trying, I finally was able to forget about my insecurities. I've spent years consciously trying in vain to do just that. I would catch myself worrying, and tell myself not to think about it, just be yourself and don't worry about other people. My best efforts were never quite enough though. Those self-doubts would always creep back in and I'd revert back to my shy, reserved ways. On this day, when I realized that I had finally stopped worrying about being judged, I was most surprised by the fact that it just happened. I wasn't even thinking about it, wasn't trying to force myself out of my comfort zone. I was just acting in the most honest, genuine way possible.

On the way back from the concert, I had another epiphany. 

We were stuck in traffic, moving at snail's pace, so to pass the time I was gazing out the window people-watching. I saw a small group of teenagers walking down the sidewalk and it appeared that they had no concern for the world around them. The group's 'sphere of existence' at that moment extended only as far as the bodies of the on the outside of their cluster. They didn't care about the traffic, or the people walking the other way past them. I saw two of those kids start to dance while they were walking. There was no music. They just wanted to dance. My immediate reaction was a small laugh at the quality of dancing and a large smile for the fun they appeared to be having.  WHO AM I?!   In the past, my immediate reaction would have been completely different. I would have silently judged them, thinking them stupid for dancing poorly without music, foolish and annoying for lacking reserve and discretion.   I recognized this change in my attitude immediately and was elated. I felt lighter, free from the weight of judgement that wasn't mine to pass in the first place. 

When I sat down later and tried to put it all together, I came to a few conclusions. 

I realized that those instances all went hand-in-hand. 

I felt like myself - I was happy with myself - I loved myself. By loving myself, I was no longer judging myself. It wasn't necessary to be so reserved and hide the very essence of who I am from other people.  As a result, I was able to begin loving others. I've always cared deeply about other people, possibly more than myself, but not quite like this.  I looked past the action and saw the person, and I did so involuntarily. 

Proof that I finally am turning into myself, the person I've always wanted to be, and knew I could be. 

So why the change? Why am I all of a sudden so different, so much better, when I spent all those years trying to no avail? 

I know the answer, and this is the best part.

God 

These changes that have taken place have coincided with a shift in thought. I finally let go of all of my doubts, suspicion, leeriness, etc...  everything in my mind that was preventing my heart from following what it desired - an honest, intimate relationship with God. I'm a rational person. I try to make everything in my life logical and rational. I spent a long time feeling like I couldn't fully commit myself to something like religion that seemed so full of impossibilities and hypocrisy. I seriously questioned everything that I had been taught, but I was never able to seriously doubt it all. There was always at least one small part of my brain, the part that is a companion of the heart, that couldn't deny Him.  I know that time I took, the questioning, the whole process  - it was absolutely necessary. I would never be confident believing in something without first questioning the truth of it.  I think that over time, that small part of my brain grew. It allowed my heart to finally have a voice, and let the mind go quiet for awhile. I explored what felt right, not what just seemed right. I reexamined the Christian faith for the first time with both open heart and open mind. In doing so, I have experienced something far greater than I ever thought possible. I feel like one of those people I always thought were crazy, because I didn't understand them. I have made the decision to accept God's unconditional love for me, and use all that's within me to try to give him the love that he deserves in return (knowing that mine will never equal his, but He's ok with that). I have since experienced moments of peace that I never knew existed. I'm more motivated than ever to be incredible, do great things, love with all of my heart, because I know it truly means something. It's more than satisfying earthly desires. It's greater than me. I don't know the grand plan, but I'm sure there is one and I'm so grateful to be a part of it.

I realize that some people will read this and just say What?! What are you talking about, where did this all come from. To the first part, I say that it's something you can't understand until you experience it yourself. The former version of myself would have read those words I just wrote and not gotten anything from them, possibly even dismissed them.  To the second part, where did this all come from, I wonder that myself. To those people who have known me for a long time, it probably seems like all of this is just coming out of the blue. But the thing I'm starting to learn is that the best things in life happen that way.  There are unexpected because they are so much better than we could ever understand and we couldn't possibly have imagined them.