Uninformed

A possible answer to the question that I asked last time: why am I in such a hurry to reach all of the major milestones in my life?

I don't like not knowing.

I need to know.

Whatever 'it' may be...

Essentially, I want to know the outcome of my life..

Of course I know that's not possible, but a big part of my personality is analyzing things to the point that they make less sense than they did in the first place. This does not allow any situations in which it is acceptable for something to be 'up in the air.' In order to analyze something, I have to actually have the information.

I want to buy a house so I can stop wondering where I'm going to live. I want to get married so I can stop wondering what it would be like, and, by living in it, figure out what its all about and how to make it great. Same thing goes for kids. I have to mentally prepare for things... I can't if I don't have all of the information.

In most cases it doesn't matter if it's not exactly what I wanted or wanted to hear. I have this somewhat unique and useful ability to take things in stride. I just NEED to know!

At any other time, my answer would probably be different. The fact that I don't know if I will still have a job next is certainly effecting my feelings towards these other things. If it is in the cards for me to have a year or more off from teaching, then so be it, but just tell me!

On an entirely different note...

I know I'm not alone in this, but when I think about it I get the uneasy sense that there's something not quite right about it.

On most occasions, I experience thoughts and emotional responses separately.

I hear things and I think about them, and that's about it. I might make decisions about whether it's good or bad, or realize that I should be upset, but often don't feel whatever emotion should go with it.

There are other times when nothing out of the ordinary has happened, no apparent triggers, but here comes this rush of emotions. Sometimes they are the easy ones.. like sadness or anger. Doesn't make any sense why I'm angry, but I'm at least familiar with it. Other times, there are strange ones whose names don't exist in my vernacular. If I think about it long enough, I can place when I previously felt that emotion (or when I should have). It's just strange.

Today it was one of those strange ones... I haven't named it yet, but what it is causing is longing, and I don't like it.

Up to speed

First of all, I find it amazing that after more than a year of not posting anything I can come back to this and find that it still exists and everything is exactly the way I left it. Not a strange concept as far as the internet is concerned, but not at all the way real life works.

Since last writing: I graduated from college in December 2009. In May of 2010, after interviewing with only one school district, I received my first offer to be an elementary school teacher (which I gladly accepted). Then in December of 2010, on top of teaching, I took on the role of varsity girls soccer coach at my old high school. Also during that year I vacationed in Arizona, took another three-week long vacation to San Diego, LA, and Las Vegas, visited my brother in Connecticut a few times, watched him marry the love of his life, and wished I were able to help him move to North Carolina. And those are just the highlights. It was an incredibly full year.

My compulsion to write again is a result of the multitude of other compulsions I have been experiencing lately, and my desire to figure out where on earth they are coming from! At this very moment, I would love to get married, have a child, buy a house, and maybe breed my dog so I can have a new puppy. I also want to travel to 100 different places, write a book, and pick up a new hobby working with stained glass.

What am I thinking?!

This exact time last year I had zero motivation. It was a struggle to get out of bed each day. Now, I struggle to keep myself from biting off more than I can chew. Why?????? Where do these desires, this energy and motivation come from?

I could come up with a few different answers, but regardless of what the answer is, it doesn't change my situation.

Often times I feel like I do have two personalities, though not in the clinically psychotic kind of way. I experience the world with one brain, then with what seems to be an entirely different brain I can relive those experiences and analyze every bit of it. In doing that, I amaze and confuse myself. Why, in my first year of teaching and my first season as a coach, would I even consider adding anything else to my plate? In a different train of thought: why would I want to rush through my life to every major milestone? At the age of 23 I'm already a college graduate who is employed full time in a mostly ideal job and is essentially financially stable. I already have what millions of people would kill to.

So why am I not satisfied?

Conversely, why am I upset about not being satisfied? Shouldn't I be happy about this ambition?

These are the questions. Possible answers to come later.

Old Battle New Perspective

Being in the classroom, trying to teach these little kids, and wondering what goes through their minds has got me thinking about my own experiences. What did I excel at? What did my teachers think of me?

I decided to go exploring today. I'm looking through all of my old school stuff... projects, report cards, etc... to see what I did and what kind of student I was. I've seen most of the stuff before, but didn't really appreciate it at the time.

I found notes home from teachers that said I was a joy to have in class

Many of my report cards said "superior and outstanding effort"

An art teacher said that I had above average perception...

One paper I hadn't seen before was the results of the testing they did to determine my eligibility for the gifted program.

The one test gave a verbal IQ, Performance IQ, and Full Scale IQ. An average full scale IQ is 90-109. I scored a 136... which is in the highest category Very Superior.

I found old essays I'd written that I'd forgotten about... and even now I'm surprised by my insights.

I Found a poetry journal from 8th grade.. one part was all haikus. I actually wrote a haiku in french

Je suis Anne-Elise

J'habite a Meadville, Pa.

Oui, je parle francais!

I kept searching through the bins of keepsake stuff.

I can't begin to count how many times I was in one newspaper or another for school or sports.. I think if you put all of the clippings together it could make a decent sized tree.

Honor roll/dean's list

Highlights of games or meets I won.

All-Conference teams..

Our YWCA does a tribute to women every year...My senior year I was nominated and honored as woman of the year in sports

There was an article when I said I would be running track in college... in the article my then future coach went on about how great I was, and had gone unnoticed in high school because I was always second to this girl from another school, who was one of the best in the country. He said he could see me being a national qualifier as a freshman, I'm just that good.

I was voted most athletic in my senior class.

My memories of my school years are very strange. I clearly remember most of the times I was scolded, corrected, or did poorly on something. I took it very hard. Instances of being praised do not stand out. It happened, but I really have to think about it to remember those times. I know most people probably are the same way... the bad stuff always stands out. But why didn't the good stuff have the effect it was supposed to? I can remember people pointing out that I was smart, or good at sports. When I was young, my response was to say thank you and think yeah I know.. so the praise wasn't a big deal. They weren't telling me anything I didn't already know. In more recent years, my response was to blush, because someone had actually noticed me, say thank you.. and think " I shouldn't be getting compliments on this because it should, and could, be better"

How the heck did my mind get so twisted around that I have spent the majority of my life thus far feeling like I'm not good enough?

Even now, I believe in myself more than I used to, I see myself as being capable of more, but I worry a lot of times that other people don't see it. I have no clue if other people (beyond close family and friends) realize that I'm very intelligent, that I am capable of doing great things, or if they see how much I really care.

I'm not sure at what point things changed.

My best guess is that early on.. elementary school... I noticed my peers reacting negatively towards me.. they were put off by my confidence (or rather the way my overconfidence caused me to act). So I made adjustments. But because I was young, and didn't really get it, I made the wrong adjustments.

Recognizing that other kids didn't like me shattered my world. I didn't understand that there are different aspects to a personality that will mature with time and can be changed with some effort. It felt like they just didn't like Me. I think it was at that point that I started to not like myself as much.. and I doubted myself, which snowballed and the doubts crept into other areas of my life.. like sports and eventually academics. I didn't recognize that there was a problem, so it just kept getting worse. I didn't realize it at the time, but my first year of college was probably the one of the hardest years for me. My confidence was nearly gone by that point because the everyday doubts had just kept growing and the problem was compounded by a terrible relationship. I was at my lowest and was in need of more praise than ever, but was put in a brand new situation with all new people and was being challenged. The expectations were higher than I was used to. It was shocking to get back papers I'd written and read all of the criticism. I thought I was good writer, so why weren't my professors telling me that? Must be because I'm not as good at writing as I thought.. Guys aren't hitting on me every time I go out, so maybe I'm not as attractive as I thought. I'm not winning track meets or improving my times/distances..so maybe I'm not as good as I thought.

I was drawing conclusions from my observations and seemed to be finding evidence that supported and legitimized my self-doubts.

Of course I didn't talk to anyone about it though.

Being in that position is what first led me to think maybe I was at the wrong school.. it was too hard, I couldn't do it, I needed a different plan. After I came up with some other reasons to do so, I did transfer to a different school.

Turns out, those feelings follow you no matter where you go. I learned that you have to actually stick it out and try before you know for sure that you can or can't do something.

Fast forward a few years, I'm climbing my way back up.

I sometimes question my decision transfer schools and go into education, because I know my initial reasons for doing so were based on fear, but I think things have turned out for the best.

I feel the fear and doubts every day, but try my best to work past it.

I'm still scared to death of putting a life together for myself, on my own... but I'm ready to do it. I'm ready to stop taking the easy way out and just sitting comfortably.

And after looking through my old things, and seeing what my parents saw as I was growing up, I'm ready to stop underachieving and start living up to my full potential.

Maybe then I'll have a sense of accomplishment that will allow me to humbly and gracefully take deserved compliments from other people.

I'd like to be...

Amongst the flowers,

Running through the

Circles

Barefoot

Breathing in the sweet

Summer air

Laughing my life back

Into the garden

Until I become

One of the roses

And no one

Could pick me

Apart from the rest

Save the one

Who sees my soul

Tales from Kindergarten

For those of you who don't know already, I am currently doing my student teaching. I was given the pleasure of being placed in a kindergarten class for the first half of the semester.

I've always been a fan of, and planned on teaching, the older kids, but these little kiddos are slowly starting to change my mind...

Spending every day with them is certainly eye opening.

I've found that during the first few months of kindergarten, every other lesson is about behavior. We're teaching them how to be students, and throwing in some colors and letters now and then. No joke, I in some way correct, scold, or redirect students at least 100 times in a day. They shout out, poke each other, wander around the room, etc... and you have to correct them every time, but you can't get mad at them because they just plain forget how to behave. (Most of the time)

Sometimes, they are deliberately defiant. That's when the real fun starts. I've seen more tantrums in three weeks than I can count on both hands. I've learned how to deal with them for the most part. Occasionally, though, I'm reminded that I'm still new at this.

One boy in particular is very good at that.

Josh

He was the very first student that I met.

On our first day, he came running into the room yelling how excited he was to be there. He was so excited that he threw all of his things down on the floor and proceeded to run around the room checking everything out. After a few minutes, I called out "Josh, come on over. We'll get your stuff put away." I pointed out our coat rack where we had names written above each hook, and told him that he could hang up his coat and book bag under his name. He informed me that he didn't have a book bag. I pointed at the Curious George bag with wheels and a retractable handle that I would later learn all about, and assured him that yes he did have one. He looked to where I was pointing and said "No! That's not a book bag. That's a backpack!"

Later that day, he came back from lunch and threw his lunchbox on a table. Knowing he hadn't even given it a thought, I went over and asked him "Josh, could you please put your lunch box away?" His reply was simply "No, thank you."

At least he uses his manners?

Just today, he came to school without his Curious George bag. He'd gotten a new one; a Spiderman bag! I was so impressed that I made the same mistake again. I called the darn thing a book bag, and was again reminded that it is not. It is a backpack.

Josh is a very bright child.

But sometimes he doesn't like to do what is asked of him.

The other day, Josh was not doing what he was supposed to.

I walked over and instead of just telling him to work, tried to give him an opportunity to self-correct. I asked him what the teacher (not me) had asked him to do.

He didn't answer me, so I asked him again. At that moment, the teacher was walking by. He looked up at her and asked if she could tell me what the directions were because I didn't know.

As trying as he can be, he also provides me with a ton of laughs.

He decided to tell me about his Curious George that rides in his old backpack.

"This fellow's name is Curious George. He's a new sleep toy. He's not new anymore. He's just old. We got him at Giant Eagle. You can buy cookies there. When they make cakes, you can watch. Or not watch. Meemaw goes there. She lives at Papi's house."

While the class was discussing a story, I heard him say

"when I grow up, I want my name to be Steve."

He drew a lovely dog the other day. He named it Racoona

He also told us this story

"You know what? One time, I left my three sleep toys on the bus. You know what? I was really sad. But you know what? The bus driver put them in my mailbox! I was soo so very happy!"

"But Josh. You don't ride a bus."

End of story

He once had his shorts on backwards for an entire day.

He also came out of the bathroom one day and announced "I have two underwear on!"

Josh has also given me more positive reinforcement than any other student thus far.

On a day when he seemed to be a little down, he wanted some extra attention. On the way to recess, he wanted to hold my hand, so I said ok and we walked down the hall together. On the way back in from recess, he wanted to hold my hand again, but I was at the other end of the line and couldn't. I said no. He wasn't very happy. From the other end of the line he yelled "Miss Kebert! I want to hold your hand! Miss Kebert! Miss Kebert please!!" Frowning on the inside, I said with a smile "Josh, you're ok. You're such a big boy you can walk by yourself."

On his peppier days, he's not so needy, but he did surprise me once. I was doing lessons with small groups of students, and when his group came over he went on and on about how awesome our project was. When we were finished he walked over to my chair, put his hand on my back, and said "You are such a great teacher for me to have!"

5 minutes later a little girl was crying and calling me mean.

It's always up and down with these kids, but the things they come up with make it all worth it.

The kids have rest time every day, so they get to bring in a blanket or towel to cover up with. One boy showed me his blankey and told me how special it is and how much he loves it. He asked me to hold it for a minute, but instructed me not to get it warm. He likes it cool.

The same boy saw me fighting with a stapler one day. He came over and told me

"You should staple them one at a time. That would be easier. I thought of that in my mind."

One day we were talking about a racoon that goes to school at night, and the students were asked why they couldn't go to school at night. Someone said because all of the stores would be closed. Another person corrected "but not Wal-Mart!"

We had a discussion one day about boys and girls.

The teacher referred to herself as a woman.

Someone said no. She was a man.

Another suggested she's a man with long hair and no mustache.

Josh chimed in "No! She's a teacher!"

A boy asked me not to sing a song today because "it ignores him."

During testing, we pointed to the dot at the end of a sentence, and asked a girl what it was. She thought about it for a minute and said "a button?"

I believe the best moment thus far was watching a few kids try to resolve their own conflict. One girl wanted to sit next to a boy, but he didn't want her there. He started to yell at her to go away, but a second girl interrupted him. She said to him "No. You have to say 'please.. please may you go away?" He repeated her. Verbatim.

Those kids are just too darn cute.

This experience has already been the most challenging and exhausting of my life, but it's things like receiving a dandelion picked especially for me, or hearing from a father at open house that his son is excited about school and comes home and tells him everything he learned that day that make this worth it.

Some things I've written

The silence is what hurts the most

I wish there were angry

Letters and bitter

Words spat out in

Arguments that

Last all night and

Expose our vices.

But for now there is

Nothing

Not even a mention of

What once was.

Passion gone

Cold exterior remains

Days of casual hellos and goodbyes

Nights of heart wrenching silence

Loss of the will to fight a

War that was never won.

One side left pleading for

Freedom from a torturous

Life, to a fate of eternal captivity

Is condemned, held by

The other, restrained by apathy

Unable to kill or set free

Unable to end the misery

A prisoner’s cries

For mercy,

Hope,

A signal to give up

Answered by blank stares.

I swallowed the night

to make it go away.

I swallowed the sky

But couldn’t keep it in.

The moon broke through,

my eyes bled stars.

Darkness was all I could see.

My Sadist

Yesterday I watched you

tear to pieces

my letter to you –

one that was never

meant to exist.

Witness to the shredding,

I felt your rage

in my body;

those pieces, my flesh,

thrown to the floor.

Yesterday I heard you

tear to shreds

my existence,

effortlessly,

a bird stripped of flight,

one feather at a time.

Each syllable resonated

in my heart, digging

out a hollow cavity.

Your hands destroyed

my confession,

but your mouth –

it raped me – left me

raw and trembling,

wanting more.

Veil

I've worn it with

Pride -my sunday best.

Men would stare in awe and

wonder at the beauty of

innocence, unscathed.

Jealousy whispered in their ears,

screamed from the hills,

"They must be split! She

should be yours!"

Lust tore it away

with a hand of

fire that burnt the

lily white.

I patched the

holes and wore it with

Shame - the only man

who would ask me

to dance, with two left

feet and a crooked smile.

The patches marred my

vision but he promised to

lead me. We stumbled

in circles through

dips and turns.

I ached from sole

to soul and prayed

the music might end.

But a stranger stepped

in and took my hand.

"Please," I asked. "I can't

take anymore." But he

wouldn't let go.

Silently, we glided

across the floor, past

Lust and Pride who had found

new partners.

(Shame had just disappeared.)

Effortlessly we moved to the center

of the floor where he lifted me-

high above the rest.

The veil fell off,

leaving me weightless,

and at last I could see

this stranger named Grace.

Fairytale in Reverse

My love whispered and

echoed in the part

of your lips, just

inches above mine.

One hand on my waist,

one tangled in my hair,

slowly coming loose.

We're twirling backwards,

losing speed.

The dancing stops when

the music fades out.

Eyes locked, we slowly

step away.

Only hand in hand

now, no safe embrace.

Palms pressed together

so lightly I feel

only our pulses,

out of rhythm,

unsteady,

missing each other.

I shudder at your

slightest twitch and

wonder -

What if I let go?

Are you still holding on?

Or will our hands,

heavy and unsupported,

and our arms, like

ends of a severed rope,

just fall back to our sides?

If we lose touch

I'll be lost

to another world,

in different story,

still waiting for

my prince to come.

Wasting Time

I would say that right now I am wasting time writing, but my thoughts at the moment are actually about what it means to waste time.

Waste, as a verb, is defined as using or expending something carelessly, extravagantly, or to no purpose. In this definition, we assume that there is a way that we should be using something (time for example) sensibly, prudently, and for good purpose.

At the moment, I am at work. Because of this fact, there is a definite understanding of how I am to use my time. It's quite simple... If I do those things that are expected of me, I'm using my time well. If I'm doing anything but those specific tasks, I am wasting my time. It's all laid out for me.

Not every situation is that cut and dry though.

What about the time I spend at work, doing what I am asked to do, working on a project. If I do it right, then there's no problem. But what if I mess it up? What if someone doesn't like what I've produced and I have to go back and redo everything I've just done? Was all of that time spent working on it just a waste?

At first, yes. It does seem like it.

When you're shut down you immediately think of all of the other tasks you need to complete, how little time you have to work on everything, and how much else you could have done now if you didn't have to do everything two or three times.

Once you start to calm down, if you let yourself, things don't seem so bad. Odds are, you won't have to completely redo everything. You can use the first try as the base for the second. Maybe just a few small things here and there need some tweaking. If it's not that easy, you can keep the bulk of information and change the design. And if you seriously have to start all over again, not a single piece can be reused, you at least know exactly what not to do the second time around. There is a way to look at this situation and believe that your time was not entirely wasted.

Apply this idea to relationships.

First, in a relationship, what is making good use of time, and what is a waste of time? Is there a list of expectations laid out anywhere like there is at work?

Second, how do you analyze your time specifically? Are you fulfilling your 'duties,' or have you been wasting your time?

As a result of my background, upbringing, etc.., I have a very basic outline of what I'm supposed to be doing. I meet someone, I get to know them a little bit, I'm intrigued so I continue to learn more about him and in the process share more about myself, we spend increasing amounts of time together, we fall in love, we get married, start a family, and live happily ever after. Or at least that's the goal. That's the big project I'm supposed to be working on. When it happens, I'll know that I've used my time wisely. If I followed this exact sequence with the first boy I ever dated, then I will have technically wasted no relationship time.

Clearly, this is not the case for me. And I would assume a large majority of other people would be in the same situation.

So what about those first, second, ninth relationships that didn't work out? Were they just a waste of time?

I say 'No', emphatically.

Hypothetical situation: a girl and boy meet and are immediately attracted to each other. They start hanging out, and realize that they truly enjoy each other's company. They start dating, spend as much time together as they can, share their secrets with each other, and eventually fall in love. They appear to be right on track. They talk about getting married and what their little family will be like. This goes on for, oooh maybe 3 years or so, until one person decides maybe this isn't really what she wants. It has worked so far, but when it comes to 'forever' she needs something else. And so it ends, and both parties are left to consider whether or not it has all just been a huge waste of time.

The answer is much easier to find for the girl who decided to move on. She's been working on this huge project for awhile. This was not her first attempt, so it wasn't hard to accept the idea that another one wouldn't work out. Her first relationship failed miserably, so she had to redo everything. Thankfully, the second time around she knew exactly what not to look for. The second try also failed, but not as miserably. The issues were smaller, and not as glaringly obvious. It continued on like this until she met this last boy. For a long time she was convinced that this would be the final attempt, the 'finished product.' Alas, her boss had turned her into a perfectionist. All of the revisions had been made, editing finished, and it was as good as she could make it. Technically, it was sound. But the style was off. Something was missing, and although most would be proud to claim a product of such quality, it wasn't what she was aiming for. She would have to try again.

Her time was not wasted. She made significant progress towards her ultimate goal. She became aware of things that she needed in a relationship that she had never thought of before, and would not have had she not been in that situation. It was a learning and growing experience.

The answer is the same for the other party involved, though not as easy to accept. He was working towards the same goals as her, but the biggest difference was that this was his very first try. He came in with almost nothing, put the entire thing together for himself, and thought that it was perfect. He was ready to go to print... until someone stepped in and said 'nope, sorry. It's really good, but not good enough. Try again.' The automatic response is 'what am I supposed to do now?' When you think you've got it perfect, and you can't see anything wrong with it, you have no idea how to improve it and you can't even see the point in trying again. When it feels like you have nothing better to produce, and the thing you invested your time in is not wanted, then how could your time not have been wasted? In my not-so-expert opinion, the only way to get beyond that opinion is to step away from the situation. Don't try to produce something new, or think about the attempt that didn't work. Just exist. Observe other people. You might see something you never have before; options you didn't know existed. You'll get new ideas and eventually be inspired to try again. So back to the original point... it was not a waste of time. You would have never gotten the result of that experience - the joy, the loss, the recovery- without all of it. You just have to keep sight of that fact while you're in the middle of it all. At the beginning, hope that it will work out. If it doesn't, hope that you'll be led to something even greater because of it. And if you are, be thankful.

So after all that, I'm still not done. There's another, larger issue I haven't touched.

I've talked about Work time, and Relationship time.

But what about Life time?

Work and relationships, amongst other things, are all a part of something much larger.

When we break it down into those sections, it's relatively easy to say if we're wasting our time or not.

What about our time as a whole though?

How can you tell if you're wasting all of your time, or making good use of it?

If we treat this the same way we look at work, the first, and most important thing is to determine what duties you need to fulfill, what's expected of you, or simply what your purpose is.

I'm not going to write a 10-point manifesto for how to live your life.. what your purpose should be and why...

All I know is that I have my own opinions, my own goals, and my own system for determining if I'm wasting my life or not. It works for me, it may not for others.

The main point is having that direction.

Once you have that, the second part of determining whether or not you're making good use of your time, based on that purpose, is quite easy.

If each effort that you make is intended to get you closer to that goal, or fulfill a certain duty, then it is time well-spent. The outcome or each action, success or failure, is not really of consequence. The only way that you can truly waste your time is if your actions do nothing to help you attain your goals or fulfill your purpose... if your actions do the exact opposite.

Each and every day you must be mindful of where you'd like to go, and if what you're doing will help you get there.

So really, in the grand scheme of things, I would say that writing all of this really was not a waste of time as I had originally said.