Being in the classroom, trying to teach these little kids, and wondering what goes through their minds has got me thinking about my own experiences. What did I excel at? What did my teachers think of me?
I decided to go exploring today. I'm looking through all of my old school stuff... projects, report cards, etc... to see what I did and what kind of student I was. I've seen most of the stuff before, but didn't really appreciate it at the time.
I found notes home from teachers that said I was a joy to have in class
Many of my report cards said "superior and outstanding effort"
An art teacher said that I had above average perception...
One paper I hadn't seen before was the results of the testing they did to determine my eligibility for the gifted program.
The one test gave a verbal IQ, Performance IQ, and Full Scale IQ. An average full scale IQ is 90-109. I scored a 136... which is in the highest category Very Superior.
I found old essays I'd written that I'd forgotten about... and even now I'm surprised by my insights.
I Found a poetry journal from 8th grade.. one part was all haikus. I actually wrote a haiku in french
Je suis Anne-Elise
J'habite a Meadville, Pa.
Oui, je parle francais!
I kept searching through the bins of keepsake stuff.
I can't begin to count how many times I was in one newspaper or another for school or sports.. I think if you put all of the clippings together it could make a decent sized tree.
Honor roll/dean's list
Highlights of games or meets I won.
All-Conference teams..
Our YWCA does a tribute to women every year...My senior year I was nominated and honored as woman of the year in sports
There was an article when I said I would be running track in college... in the article my then future coach went on about how great I was, and had gone unnoticed in high school because I was always second to this girl from another school, who was one of the best in the country. He said he could see me being a national qualifier as a freshman, I'm just that good.
I was voted most athletic in my senior class.
My memories of my school years are very strange. I clearly remember most of the times I was scolded, corrected, or did poorly on something. I took it very hard. Instances of being praised do not stand out. It happened, but I really have to think about it to remember those times. I know most people probably are the same way... the bad stuff always stands out. But why didn't the good stuff have the effect it was supposed to? I can remember people pointing out that I was smart, or good at sports. When I was young, my response was to say thank you and think yeah I know.. so the praise wasn't a big deal. They weren't telling me anything I didn't already know. In more recent years, my response was to blush, because someone had actually noticed me, say thank you.. and think " I shouldn't be getting compliments on this because it should, and could, be better"
How the heck did my mind get so twisted around that I have spent the majority of my life thus far feeling like I'm not good enough?
Even now, I believe in myself more than I used to, I see myself as being capable of more, but I worry a lot of times that other people don't see it. I have no clue if other people (beyond close family and friends) realize that I'm very intelligent, that I am capable of doing great things, or if they see how much I really care.
I'm not sure at what point things changed.
My best guess is that early on.. elementary school... I noticed my peers reacting negatively towards me.. they were put off by my confidence (or rather the way my overconfidence caused me to act). So I made adjustments. But because I was young, and didn't really get it, I made the wrong adjustments.
Recognizing that other kids didn't like me shattered my world. I didn't understand that there are different aspects to a personality that will mature with time and can be changed with some effort. It felt like they just didn't like Me. I think it was at that point that I started to not like myself as much.. and I doubted myself, which snowballed and the doubts crept into other areas of my life.. like sports and eventually academics. I didn't recognize that there was a problem, so it just kept getting worse. I didn't realize it at the time, but my first year of college was probably the one of the hardest years for me. My confidence was nearly gone by that point because the everyday doubts had just kept growing and the problem was compounded by a terrible relationship. I was at my lowest and was in need of more praise than ever, but was put in a brand new situation with all new people and was being challenged. The expectations were higher than I was used to. It was shocking to get back papers I'd written and read all of the criticism. I thought I was good writer, so why weren't my professors telling me that? Must be because I'm not as good at writing as I thought.. Guys aren't hitting on me every time I go out, so maybe I'm not as attractive as I thought. I'm not winning track meets or improving my times/distances..so maybe I'm not as good as I thought.
I was drawing conclusions from my observations and seemed to be finding evidence that supported and legitimized my self-doubts.
Of course I didn't talk to anyone about it though.
Being in that position is what first led me to think maybe I was at the wrong school.. it was too hard, I couldn't do it, I needed a different plan. After I came up with some other reasons to do so, I did transfer to a different school.
Turns out, those feelings follow you no matter where you go. I learned that you have to actually stick it out and try before you know for sure that you can or can't do something.
Fast forward a few years, I'm climbing my way back up.
I sometimes question my decision transfer schools and go into education, because I know my initial reasons for doing so were based on fear, but I think things have turned out for the best.
I feel the fear and doubts every day, but try my best to work past it.
I'm still scared to death of putting a life together for myself, on my own... but I'm ready to do it. I'm ready to stop taking the easy way out and just sitting comfortably.
And after looking through my old things, and seeing what my parents saw as I was growing up, I'm ready to stop underachieving and start living up to my full potential.
Maybe then I'll have a sense of accomplishment that will allow me to humbly and gracefully take deserved compliments from other people.
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